Thursday, 28 April 2016

darling

So a few days ago was my baby's 14th birthday. I wanted to get him something but I have absolutely no idea of what to get. He basically has everything he needed - my parents are generous when it comes to pampering him. I know what he wants for his birthday too, he has been talking bout them since forever. A new phone, a laptop, an ipad and so on. I can't afford any of these cos I can barely afford anything as expensive as that for myself...

Over dinner he very sadly said :''San Jie you didn't even buy present for me.''

''Oh..what do you want? I'll buy it for you.''

''I want a laptop.''

''That's too expensive, I can't afford it my darling.''

''I want a new phone then.''

''You know I don't have enough money for that either.''

''Ipad.''

''No darling.''

''Ipad Mini.''

''That is still too expensive for me.''

''Okay..what about Nike Airmax?''

 ''Oh how much is that?''

''About RM500? I don't know.''

*gasps*  ''RM500 for a pair of shoes?? Don't you have cheaper stuff that will make you as happy?''

''No, you can't be happy with things that are not expensive.''

*clears throat* ''Well that's the problem with you - you need money to make you happy and its very pathetic. If you don't have money in life basically you're doomed, you have no chance to be happy at all.'' (trying so hard to sound wise)

*silence*

''You have to find something in life that's not expensive but can make you happy my dear.''

''But everything needs money.''

''I don't know thats what you think. I can't buy you anything that's expensive.''

*sadly* ''I'll have Rastaclat then.''

Hahah this boy. From laptop downgraded to bracelet hahaha.

My brother is so spoilt sometimes, but sometimes he can be so adorable. He's 14 but I still treat him like a little baby. I think he's embarrassed of me always kissing his cheeks, although not in public.
So tempted to shave his moustache off its so so ugly! But I think it makes him feel more man to have it so he refused to shave it off hahah.

Guys his age are all trying to pull off the side smirk hahahah









14 years old how come still so babyfaced?! Yeah my baby brother's pretty damn cute :P I still call him baby, darling and my dear. Used to call him baby all the time but my family was so against it hahahah.


I know I haven't been the best sister. I am certainly not a good role model always rebelling against my parents. On many occasions I let my anger get the best of me especially recently that I had so many outbursts of profanity while talking to him. Sometimes when work gets so tough when I come home I still have to deal with this rebellious 14 year old teen it kinda drives me crazy.

I don't know.

He's probably the only person in the whole wide world I'd sacrifice my life for. Hahah cheesy. 



Happy belated 14th <3

Sicily

It was one late evening with gloomy and ominous sky. 

All was way too familiar. 

The dark,wispy clouds were hanging so low they were right above me. So close that they took away whatever good vibes I had in me, that's if I had any in the first place. Everything's so gloomy it drained me out so quickly and made everything around me looked so, so depressing. I was carrying my laptop, books and my backpack, all heavy stuff. Was walking so fast it seemed as if I was rushing for something. Came to this lift I pressed the button hard, again and again, trying to press away this unknown frantic fear of mine that came from no where.

All was way too familiar, to that one evening two and a half years ago. 

Climbed into the car, it couldn't be more apt - "Love Theme" from Cinema Paradiso by Ennio Morricone was playing. Three seconds into the song and i felt tears rushing from the corners of my eyes. Had to squint my eyes and bite my bottom lip to stop all that liquid rolling down my cheeks. 

All was way too familiar.

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

boldly

I want to look back at my youth knowing I've given ALL out.
The next few months are gonna be so interesting and unforgettable I know it.
Read more, watch more movies, go to more places, meet more people, experience more things and don't ever look back and regret. Or..regret later.



Thursday, 21 April 2016

Twenty five paces


"Life is just one small piece of light between two eternal darknesses." - Nabokov






Suddenly everything around slows down, even the raindrops fall in slow motion. 


Monday, 18 April 2016

i wonder

It feels as if I am back being 16 or 17 years old again.
Back to having a whole lot of uncertainties and feeling so lost everyday. I refresh my mailbox every morning when I wake up and every night before I sleep...to no new mails aside from Zalora's annoying newsletters. Sigh, the time is ticking away and I know soon I'll be left with none of it.

Has it already been four and half months since I made my new year resolutions? I don't think I've achieved anything. I have so many things that I want to achieve this year and I need myself to make an impact on anything, on anyone. It doesn't matter big or small but I just want to do it. One life-changing event each year, I promised myself, and I will do it.


Also, as my trip and internship are approaching I realized how far behind I am in saving up...I've been saving up but I also spent it away sometimes. I need materials for my internship I want to get things that are useful for the kids. I want the kids to have complete stationery sets, notebooks, storybooks and I also know that none of these is affordable if I were to buy it in bulk.
So I've been squeezing out ideas of getting more money every day..I know I'll get it if I ask from my parents but that would be my last resort. I have nothing valuable to sell do I? Will girls want to by my worn clothes that are not branded or in excellent quality? Guess the most valuable things I possess are my...books. *clutches on to my books tightly*
Should I let go of them............................................................................


Sigh. So many things to worry about.


Sunday, 17 April 2016

.

Nights like this I wish I could take a stroll on countryside railroad tracks.

Too bad I can't do it here in Malaysia.

But right now i just really want to take a train. Any train.

Friday, 15 April 2016

living

Friday, entire afternoon to myself, entire house to myself.
Cloudy, Yiruma, the sound of water from the pond, a book, tau sar pneah.


 Tranquility.


''You are wrong if you think joy emanates only or principally from human relationships.''