Thursday, 23 October 2014

你会不会到最后才后悔

窗外下着很大的雨,才下午四点,房里就已经黑漆漆--我好想看一部耐人寻味的电影。

我想起了一部电影。。那一部我下载了许久但没胆看的一部电影。。那一部被某一个人形容为‘’莫名‘’的电影。 一直没胆看是因为害怕。。害怕自己的浮躁。开了却久久都不愿意按play的我,还真有点紧张。想起我第一次接触到这部电影时,我还在读中一。有一本影响我至深的小说。。里边那一位女主角提起了这部电影,让我想看好久了。 

电影里第一个画面是。。
‘’佛典有云  旗未动  风也未吹  是人的心自己在动。‘’

好有意思。


一个小时半的电影,比起其他电影来说,还真有点短。电影里人物关系复杂,看了半场,我都还搞不清楚整片电影到底在说什么。

‘’《东邪西毒》是部很奇怪的电影,好像没有什么连贯的情节,也分不清谁是主角,谁又是配角,只有大段大段的独白台词,一个个出场又离场的人物,絮絮叨叨地诉说着自己的心事。‘’ ---这是林晓琪看完后说的。

跟她一样,我好喜欢里边的一句话-‘’在我最好的时光,我最喜欢的人不在我身边。‘’这句话有够老土的,但是说这句话的人是张曼玉。她随口说说,我都心甘情愿被她引领,淡淡的惆怅在那句话之后与我形影不离。林晓琪在她要过十八岁生日时想起那句话,我十八岁时,也是如此。想起那句话时,我想起了一个人,一个很好的人。像林晓琪一样,我一厢情愿以为自己是欧阳锋的大嫂,而他是欧阳锋。后来才发现事情根本就不是这样。他不会是欧阳锋,也不会是黄药师。他是盲武士。
我,亦不是桃花。

也许,我是沉浸在似真似幻的梦境里的慕容嫣。


‘’不,我不会是慕容嫣,我不会沉浸在一段无望的感情里。‘’


------------


‘’其实‘醉生梦死’只不过是她跟我开的一个玩笑,你越想知道自己是不是忘记的时候,你反而记得更加清楚。‘’

想了想,也许我才是欧阳锋。因为性格高傲,放弃了许多生命里重要的东西。唐泽,还不是一样。


就如林晓琪所说的那样,这是一部很莫名的电影。它很扑朔迷离,总让人觉得说了什么,可最后一句又让人觉得什么都没说---可能这就是导演王家卫的风格了。我把电影断断续续地看,到了最后,才了解到这片里所有的人物都是一样受了伤的人。不论是欧阳锋的高傲,黄药师的花心,慕容嫣的痴心,还是欧阳锋大嫂的无奈,这些人一转身全都是缺乏安全感的人。

到最后,有谁不想要做洪七?他简单的性格让他成为整个片里唯一幸福的人。

我们都活在热闹繁忙的都市,如没有去细细品味这不电影,恐怕你会捉摸不到剧中人的孤独。它们表现孤独的方式都不一样,但全都让我感到无比的绝望与失落。如果你像我一样喜欢电影里有好结果,那看了这部片后你也许会感到很落寞。有兴趣者,这部片叫做《东邪西毒》,是著名导演王家卫1994年的名作。

看这部电影,需要一个人,心亦很静时,一杯温热的咖啡或是一支冰冻的啤酒为伴,慢慢地观赏。


一直不敢看这部电影还有个原因:
对于爱情,我有种难以名状的情绪。





 原来‘’醉生梦死‘’,不过是一个玩笑。越想忘记,反而记得越清楚。






Wednesday, 15 October 2014

What do you do when it's so difficult to please someone but you upset them so easily? 
That's a very complicated thing.
I don't need a lot.
I just need a little, for me to live confortably, in a place I like. 
I don't know if that is too much to ask for but, I'll always chase them.

Sunday, 12 October 2014

outside the walls

I want to rant so bad but I feel really bad to annoy people to listen to my vents.. sigh.
I should probably stop ranting cos it feels like I am always complaining and very dissatisfied about almost everything. But can't help it at all! My generation is born to complain, with all the luxury & social platforms, zzz just kill me.

I can't help but feel very trapped everyday, doing things I don't enjoy doing at all. Maybe this is the way the world works, but how can I convince myself to love it?? When everything's so limited to me and 'living free' doesn't really exist? I am really tired of doing what people tell me I must do, is it really a must??? Or is it not? I don't want to answer people's question just because they have asked me one. I don't want to study or work and be trapped in the same place just because it is my responsibility and because I am born with it. I don't want to grow up and be responsible for grocery shopping or paying rent. Must I? I am really lazy at home, to study, to do assignments, to run errands, but in this case I won't say I hate responsibility because I am lazy. I won't say I am irresponsible either. I just don't like how I don't get to choose how should I live with my life. There could've been so many ways..

I don't know how people get up at 6am to work everyday. Now that each day I am closer to entering the workforce, I can't stop imagining myself to be one of them. I don't think I can take it, to work for the rest of my life. Unless I enjoy it, but how many people in this world enjoy what they do at work?
 You know the big HERO market near my house? They have this guard/doorman who opens the door for you. I hate the whole idea of having a doorman, unless you're disabled, why can't you open your own door?? I feel very sorry for that doorman because he has to do something really petty, for money. Especially when people can do it themselves.
It reminds me of that scene in the film Tower Heist(2011), Lester the doorman said, ''All those years on the job, and it turns out that people can open their own doors.''

My point is, I don't know how people go through every single day doing things that they really hate. I worked as a freelance promoter before I go to Cambodia and those days were really hard. Standing 12 hours a day for few days in a row can really suck out all the liveliness in you. Its not just about standing all day, having sore feet and feeling exhausted. Even though I was handsomely paid, I felt like I've wasted so much time just standing, giving out stacks of high quality printed flyers and then watch the people throw it into the bin. Thats the time I realised how many things I can actually do if I just throw the flyers back to my boss and tell him I quit. I could've been so much more productive in life. But so many promoters out there and its their long term job. 12 hours a day may be a big deal for me but to them, its just a daily thing. Standing whole day? It is part of their life now. How can someone accept things like that? Unless they really love doing nothing and standing all day, but I suppose most of the people won't like it, but they have to do it for money.

It is in everybody's nature to do what they love, babies don't suppress themselves from doing what they want. But those babies, grew up and learned how to shut up and do whatever they were asked to, for money. Because thats how the world works. Money rules every thing. From the day I was born, everything is a scam. Things always get worse the older I get. More responsibilities, more mental/health issues, more things to deal with etc. Once you are old enough to actually understand things, you will start to do things out of routines..routines routines and..more routines.

Yes how the world works right now may be one of the best ways. After all, I can't figure out how can the world works in another way. I wish people could skip work just to spend a day at the beach, when ever they want. But everything will not make sense. Nothing's free, and thats what the modern world tells me. Sigh..though I really mean what I've said in the previous paragraphs. If only somebody gets what I am trying to say.


The constant notifications from my phone(emails, twitter, instagram, facebook, whatsapp..), studying and having to deal with so many more things drain me so much. I believe I am very full of life, but I just don't want this liveliness in me to die down because of the routines in my life.


Wednesday, 8 October 2014

好累..:(
好想睡一辈子

Tuesday, 7 October 2014


Some birds are not meant to be caged.


I always feel trapped. I loathe responsibility. 


"I don't have a passion. I only have life goals. And my life goals are to do well in life - find a good job, live a comfortable life."

It is already hard to do well in life, let alone do well in life and be happy at the same time. 

Our lives are all trapped.

Sunday, 5 October 2014

hay

I've  started class for over 4 months now. & last week was the most challenging one. 4 days of classes and everyday there are at least one assignment or ten percent test. Sleeping at 12am and sitting in class at 6.30am everyday and by the end of the week I felt nothing but exhausted.


Also, it was a really emotional week. 


 




So a masscom student approached me and ask if he could interview me about my Cambodia trip on his assignment with the title ''Unsung Hero''. I personally think that I am very overrated and definitely not qualified to be interviewed as an unsung hero. I am not trying to be all humble and noble here but..all I did was going for a 1 month trip! But he said its okay.

We met in a coffee shop nearby for a 45 minutes interview. He recorded the whole process and it made me feel very awkward and uncomfortable cos...


I felt that he has expected a lot more from me. Besides asking questions I've been asked a million times like ''What has inspired you to do this?'' , ''What is your objective of doing this?'', ''What were you expecting to achieve by the end of the trip?'' , he also asked me a lot questions I found it difficult to answer.
''Who's the person that left you the strongest impression?'' , ''Can you share us some of your special stories in Cambodia?'' , ''What do you plan to achieve in 15 years time?''


There are A LOT of people I met in Cambodia - be it foreigners or the locals, have all made profound impression on me and I will never forget every and each of them. Each of them are so different and some have inspired me in different ways but how can I describe them? Although they're very important to me in the trip but to the other people who've not met them, they're as ordinary as a brown paper bag. Second question is the question that made me really nervous. I couldn't think of any special stories to tell because as I said, the people are all ordinary people. Of course I have special stories!! They are really special to me. I have Saron who did not finish his school, he stopped school to work to feed his whole family whereas his brother David is studying in the university, handsome and successful, and he's always nobody when his brother is around. He wants to be successful. He spent all his money to attend workshops to learn how to fix mechanical stuff, came home and borrowed many thousands to build his own mechanical business. But his monthly pay was only slightly more than $300. He has to be in debt almost all his life, at least a quarter. I hope he can make it out of here someday, he's a really kind man. Probably the Cambodian who showed me most kindness. I miss him dearly and I really do. I miss sitting behind him while he was riding motorbike, I miss getting promises from him that he will take me out to see Tengailich(sunset) every evening..I trust him most...more than every Cambodian.
I miss you Saron..:(


Then I have this little girl who lost her parents in a car crash and ended up in the orphanage I worked in. The side of her forehead has a huge scar and it was really heart wrenching to look at it. She was the naughtiest girl in the orphanage and I did not love her as much as other kids until the end. I saw how panic she was when she gets lesser attention from the adults, I saw how lovely she can be when you try to tell stories to her..she is a darling. She is a very adorable little girl.
And I miss her.


I tried but I dont know how can I make my stories sound special & interesting. All I could do was to tell the person how adorable they are, and it seemed impossible for them to understand how much joy they have given me and how I was touched by these souls. I guess they were expecting so much more, like how I touched these people's lives..

Of course I did not, but I was touched by them.

I feel terrible because, I felt like my stories are not interesting enough to make that person's assignment look interesting.


This interview has brought back so so many memories. I only remember that night I was too tired from all the assignments and tests, I was really tired but there was still so many more things to do. I started browsing through pictures in my album before I sleep. Then burst out crying when I saw my baby twins. And that was part of the routine for the whole week.


How can I ever describe how much I love them without leaving an impression that I am exaggerating or attention seeking? How can I ever make somebody to understand that they were a big part of the happiest moments of my life? I look at pictures of them everyday and I cry everyday. I've never thought I would get so attached but..I can't help it. They're so lovable, adorable and I am willing to do a lot more just to be with them again..

I love them...I do. :( very much.


A Singaporean teacher I met in Cambodia has made a trip back there with a different student group, and back to the school I worked at. Man that got me even more emotional as he has been sending me pictures. I miss. I miss the kids so so much but it hurts to know that I might wont see them ever again.

 

 You kids are so naughty but i love you all so so much..



I cried everyday for practically a whole week. But one thing is, I haven't been crying for a long time. I just miss my kids a lot.............


and i don't feel like talking about cambodia anymore, to anyone.

I just want to be back for my kids.

 A lot more to write but I can't continue typing anymore.


:'(