Thursday, 29 September 2016

woman's search for meaning

I am SO relieved!! Finally got my two major exams of two toughest classes out of the way. Past few days were just exhausting and my emotions sat dangerously close to the edge, worst since I came here. American system is just crazy. There are graded online quizzes and exercises every single day and none of them worth more than 0.2% but takes so much time to complete.Statistics and Calculus were the most terrifying of them all. I don't even know why am I so afraid of it but I need to fix this irrational fear quick.

The two exams were not bad at all though. I am actually proud that I managed to answer them all. Why am I so not Asian expecting so little from myself hahah.
In my friend's cozy room.



 Sigh. Dah physically weak, mind pun weak sangat.
Was really upset and desperate for inspirations so.........I got these books from Amazon.
So excited to read!



I am truly drained. 
But the thought of being able to sleep in till at least 9 makes me so happy. The thought of being able to read for leisure tomorrow makes me so happy. The thought of us being physically closer and the lesser time difference makes me so happy. The thought of being a day closer to the unbelievably short weekend makes me happy too. 

Good night :)


Tuesday, 27 September 2016

请盖我一记耳光

认真的想扫自己一巴掌。


今天累垮了。旁晚有考试,于是下午拼命灌咖啡。我喝咖啡会心慌手震,没有要熬夜读书我是不会故意去喝的。考完试后又不能休息因为明天还有一科。匆匆忙忙吃完晚餐回房间拿电脑再去图书馆读书。上个厕所回来发现电话不见了。翻了整个桌子、衣橱还有床都不见它踪影。我开始急了。

房友一直帮我打电话看看我的电话有没有响,可是我放silent。很急地跑回去dining hall找,又问了好多工作人员,全部人都说没有。

我一颗心跳得好快好快。喝了咖啡的关系我更加着急。好急、好担心、好想哭。嘴唇都在抖了,眼泪都涌出来了。我的银行卡、学生卡都是跟我的电话一起的,不见的话很麻烦。况且我的电话才用了十一天。。不见的话我会崩溃。

我很累我很压力。我很想哭。电话不见了我很急很恐慌。不会做数学我很急很焦虑。很多功课要做很多事要读。我多么想哭可是哭是要时间的,我现在给不起这样的奢侈。

心情又低落又激动,好像随时都会哭出来。回到了房间我又从新翻我的床要看看电话有没有被藏在被子里。这是房友很腼腆地说:"Ummm Chelsea, I think your phone is charging...."

一看过去电话就在那里充电着。



房友笑翻了。我扑向床上把脸都埋在被子里一边笑一边抓头发,眼泪都要被笑出来了。

我太过分了,哪里可以把自己吓成这样!!!

真的要改,我太大头虾了。上次学生卡明明就在桌上我找了两天找不到给了二十美金换过新的回来竟然看到旧的在桌上。-.- 太不可思议了。

我以后不可以喝那么多咖啡了。

Monday, 26 September 2016

浮生

小时候怕的是孤独。长大后才发现很多时候即使自己置身于攒聚的人群中,仍然觉得自己只身一人。那种茫然与彷徨之感,比起小时候怕的孤独还来得强烈。

原来要装平静并不困难--最困难的莫过于是安抚内心躁动不安的自己。走在嘈杂的街上,外表看似安静坦然,内心却汹涌澎湃。太阳那么炽烈,可是心里怎么就那么凉。恨不得立即逃离现场,逃到一个可以让自己平静下来的地方。一个人的孤独,总好过在喧器人群中的寂寞。


好不容易看清了人生看清了自己。
在生命最旺盛的时候不断地告诉自己- 辜负全世界都不可以辜负自己。

我没有忘记。

可是把我丢在陌生的地方与人群里,我又迷茫了。

Yellowstone retreat

 So about two weeks ago I signed up for a one night retreat/camp without knowing much bout it. Heard about the event in Business Club meeting and registered myself without hesitation. I just wanted to get out of campus......My classes have been real stressful I desperately needed something else. I joined alone and didn't know what to expect. What kind of camp lasts only 24 hours??

Friday, an hour before the meeting time at 5pm, I was still rushing my assignments that are due during the weekend. I had a full day class till 4pm so I was really stressed out.
Gotta admit that I got a little nervous and scared cos going alone. Gulped hard when I got on the fully-loaded bus - I was the only Asian.
(after that I learned that not only that I was the only Asian, I was also the only non-American.)


 20 minutes later, we've arrived at our destination! Yellowstone Alliance Adventure. What a beautiful place. By the end of the bus ride I have already made new friends. PHEW, good job lass ;)

Have I ever mentioned about my new English name?! I've always known that I'll get an English name here but didn't think much bout it back in Malaysia. I couldn't decide on one that suits me so I dragged and forgotten bout it until I came to orientation in the US. I didn't have to meet more than three people to know that I needed an English name - they couldn't even pronounce my name, let alone remembering it hahaha. My siblings' English names are all starting with C - my eldest sister's Casey, cos KC is the abbreviation of her name Khai Cheng. My second sister's Candice, some random name she got that everyone says it sounded like some pornstar name HAHAHAH. My brother's Carlson - my parents named him that since he's a baby.

And of course I wanted a C name too. I really liked the name Charlotte cos of the band Good Charlotte. Used to love them so much in my early teen years. Then Princess Charlotte was named and it suddenly become the trendy name and 100% of the people I asked said Charlotte doesn't suit me at all. OK lor.

I liked Clarice too, from Clarice Starling, the main character of the classic film The Silence of the Lambs. 80% of the people I asked ew-ed at that name. OK.

It was undecided until I frantically texted my sister and WeiYing for suggestions. My sister insisted on Charlize, cos Charlize Theron. Wei Ying suggested Chelsea. I went with Chelsea in the end cos I thought Charlize was too girly for me. Names with Liz in it are always so girly hahaha. Thanks WeiYing!

I've been using this name for more than a month now. I've grown used to people calling me that but I still cringe when I get texts or emails being addressed by that name HAHAHAH.  I let my Malaysian friends address me by my real name but none of the non-Malaysians know my real first and last name.


 So this camp is actually a leadership camp. The theme of the camp is Mission Possible, mainly to encourage us to get out of a comfort zone and stuff. There were about 60 campers divided into four groups.
Serene place. 

 It was getting real chilly at night and everybody put on another layer of clothing. That was when I realized my thick comfy jacket was left back in my home. I got so worried cos it was colddddd.

One of my teammates, Tia, noticed that I was wearing only one layer, insisted that she go back to the room to get another jacket for me. T.T and she did. I was so glad that she did cos we played station games outdoors at night.

 It was also drizzling and the place turned muddy causing me to I fall down while going down a slope. Guess what was in my hand?! :( I guess every of my phone must go through the muddy phase at least once to be officially mine.



Second day. I had a terrible sleep cos it was bloody cold. They didn't provide us pillows and blankets so everybody had to bring their own sleeping bag and blanket. I don't have my sleeping bag here in US with me....:( so I brought only a thin blanket. So thin you would think its a bed sheet instead. Paid the price when I woke up so many times at night shivering.

Maria, Kaitlyn and Jadyn! 

 

Activities for the day: Ropes course and ziplining! 

Ziplining was too fun. I was reminded of how much I love the adrenaline rush. The view was lovely!!

Puzzles! Last activity of the camp.





My team! Everybody was incredibly nice. We did quite a good job getting through all the obstacles in the activity too!

I am very fond of the guy on the most left! On first sight I thought he looked so much like the old TVB actor Deric Wan.
This is Deric Wan! Oh gosh I miss seeing him on tv.

Anyways the ang moh was so niceeee. Very cute guy with bright blue eyes and....he has large and visible adam's apple! So sexy can I bite it HAHAHA.
During ropes course he bridal-carried me till the finish line when I fell off at the end. Blush blush. 

Then I found out that he's younger than me.

ok bye!


Fall is getting so beautiful.

Sweetest girl!

We had a homecoming football game in town  the same weekend too so it was very festive. 


I got back yesterday evening feeling exhausted from the sleepless night and all the running I did for the activities. I took a nap at 7pm and the next it was 5am already hahah.
Did my laundry - washed my blanket, duvet, bedsheets and cleaned my room. Studied and attended a review class as well. I am having two exams this coming week!! So stressed out...

My quiet uni on a Sunday.


Called my mom while walking home at 8pm and we talked for two hours!! Really needed this heheh.  
Told momma all my boy problems and how lovesick I am. Everytime I tell my mom about my love life she always says how much I remind her of her younger self. 
''If you don't fight for it now, two years later when you're out of school you'll realize the decent guys that you like will all be taken.''

''Ok lor you say one ah, I find boyfriend here then.''

''Please ah, I don't want another guai lou son in law.'' (my sister has a french bf) HAHAHA.


hmm.The start of the week again tomorrow!
It is gonna be a tough week with all the exams but tahaaaaaaan! A reward will be waiting after the last weekday...a movie maybe?!




Thursday, 22 September 2016

no admittance

 I am so excited and happy right now!:)

But i'll start off with the day.
Its been raining a lot recently though mostly in drizzle and nothing heavy.
When I first came here it was too chilly for me and I was telling my American roommate that. She was like:'Its not even fall yet! Fall is still long more to go, you'll know it when you see it.''

And I've been seeing it lately! Was so excited. But today's the official first day of the fall season.

The trees around campus are transitioning to its autumn colors. Some were bright red, orangey and most of them are in yellow. The leaves that fell off are mostly maple leaves which makes a really gorgeous view. I can't wait to see all of the fall season.

I was telling Brandon how I shouldn't have such high expectations of my first fall season. I was actually picturing it to be like one of the ancient Windows XP wallpaper that I loved so much when I was young.
This! This is definitely one of my most favorite pictures. Actually, most of the ancient Windows XP wallpapers are. Probably cos I get very nostalgic looking at them.

One of my host family member from kampung pujut told my ex colleague that I haven't been replying her texts on whatsapp. I didn't get them cos I changed my whatsapp number to my US number and I did not tell many people aside from my family members and close friends. Did my friends from Sarawak whatsapp me??:( My host dad probably called me a couple of times...he doesn't have whatsapp. Need to call back to Sarawak to talk to him soon. I don't want to lose touch with any of them. :(


Like that also lawa hahahahha they know how to flatter me. :P

Remember the little boy I suspected that he is autistic in my Kampung Pujut Corner blog post? This is the mom I was talking to! Heheh she sent me so many of Daniel's pictures I was so happy. It made my day!!

She surprised me with a picture of both of us I've never seen before!!! But my little boy looks so moody as usual. Hehe.



And..
today is..

INTERNATIONAL HOBBIT DAY!!
Woohoooo.

There IS such a day haha. 22nd September is the birthday of both Bilbo and Frodo Baggins.

Got my sister to take picture of my middle earth books collection :D If you look closely you'll notice that I have four sets of the LOTR trilogy, in different book covers hahaha. The cover designs are so pretty couldn't resist collecting them!

And this is the one ring Jo bought me for my 19th birthday two years ago :) To be honest I haven't worn it out before cos..people would probably think that I am delusional hahahah. 









Ok. You guys are in for a treat ;)
I wanted to blog bout my tattoo sometime soon but not too soon but since today's Hobbit Day.....I am gonna share some pictures of it!:)

I got it a month and half ago and was quite low profile then cos having a tattoo is HUGE to me. Its not a norm among my close friends let alone my family members. I was careful to not reveal it to too many people cos having this tattoo is very personal to me. I can relate it to my years of emotions and stories and I don't want anybody to think that I'm ridiculous . I hesitated for the whole day if I should share it here cos I have no idea who is reading this blog. I know WeiYing's gonna read this, Roy is, Carolyn maybe, and Sheryl, if she's not too busy. Thats all hahah.

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Yes..................its a LOTR reference. In fact its a line from The Two Towers.
And yes its inked on my sideboob so even if I am wearing only my bra it wont be visible. Afterall, its my first, I was very cautious bout it.

The quote's very uplifting to me. LOTR and The Hobbit always have been. They're not just movies and books to me, they never were. They are such big part of me and my life since 2003. Do I still need to explain how much I love LOTR and middle earth? :)

Maybe one day.


Happy Hobbit Day!

Wednesday, 21 September 2016

se7en

1. Super rainy day. The cold was a little unbearable.
2. Laptop wouldn't start up for quite a while, almost broke my heart. I have so many pictures inside! THANKFULLY it went back to normal. Lesson learnt: I am currently transferring all 50,000 pictures and videos to my newly bought hard disk.
3. Emo nemo again.
4. Not so bad today despite the weather cos I've finished everything that is due today.
5. I am not really sure what exactly is bothering me.
6. Fairytale of New York has been replaying again and again in my head for the past few days already I can't seem to get rid of it. Especially this line : When you first took my hand on a cold Christmas eve you promised me Broadway was waiting for me..
7. Accidentally kicked the side of my bed frame and dropped my iPhone 7 for the first time - toes were so painful so was my heart.

Sigh I am actually very anxious but I have no idea why. I've been very anxious for the past few days I wish so bad I could be at the calmest places I've ever been - like the small island in Pulau Perhentian.......like Long Semadoh....Like Baray...Like KLIA1........like the top floor of Taylor's Lakeside Library.......

谁又会明白我的着急与无奈。


:((




Tuesday, 20 September 2016

there is always

Today's probably the most upsetting day I've had here so far. I was worried, anxious, exhausted, stressed out and unhappy. It really seemed as if nothing's going my way for the past week and I just feel very worn out.
Almost wanted to cry in the midst of studying. Had to talk to myself in the head :''Cry for lan ah, study also not enough time d.''

*slaps self for being so vulgar*

So exhausted that after my exam i just want to slump down on the bed of grass but I couldn't cos it was drizzling. 7pm and gloomy weather, as if I wanted even more hopelessness. Called my mom while walking in the rain and her voice brought me the comfort I was so desperate for. Chatting with her made my day...and I am so grateful for that cos I don't want to end the day feeling despair. Told her I am bored of my daily routine and don't like how unadventurous schooling life is.

''你ah,很喜欢乱乱跑。家里挽不住你,出了国也不定下来。''

hahahahah.

And....highlight of today is...........


I told my mom bout my tattoo.

I got my first tattoo a day before I come home from Borneo on 2nd August. Its on somewhere intimate but not my private part LOL.
I've wanted to do it for quite some time so I did it as a little 21st birthday gift for myself. I do find it very meaningful but people might find it ridiculous and stupid hahaha. It doesn't matter really, since its on somewhere private people wont see it unless I get half naked which aside from beach vacations I don't see when would I get half naked hahah. Also, it is solely for my own viewing pleasure.

My mom's always been a very open minded mom. Showed her the tattoo via Facetime and she was like:''HUH, 一行字罢了酱你也爽。。你放在那边做什么都没有人看到。酱痛又没有人看到有意思meh。''

Then she paused awhile, ''给男朋友看罢了咯,等下他看了不喜欢。''

HAHAHHAH.


 She is okay with it. PHEWWWWW. My parents are all that matter to me for having a tattoo. Though I did ask them two years ago when I was in cambodia if I am allowed to get one and they both said no(the angmohs I met were all getting tattoos together i was pressured hahah). This tattoo really is for myself and only myself, so my parents don't quite have a say in it but I want them to know and accept it la hahah. Wait, her i mean, not them, my dad cannot know LOL or i might not have a home to go back to from the states HAHHAHA. I am relieved that now my mom knows and is alright bout it.


Maybe one day I'll blog bout my tattoo, the meaning, the process and with pictures! But for now...I am still in the middle of a very difficult week :(

我的妈咪。