Monday, 28 July 2014

I don't know but guys like this are such a turn off.


Saturday, 26 July 2014

Thursday, 24 July 2014

小强。我

小时候好喜欢弄死蟑螂。
妈妈总是说,如果不把它弄死,它回家必定大量繁殖,几十,甚至几百只蟑螂会诞生。
那时候还真的认真在怕。如果几百只蟑螂在我厕所里跑来跑去,我宁愿忍尿忍到死掉。

某一次,我站在马桶上拿着水龙头射向一只蟑螂,一只十分灵活的蟑螂。
它跑得好快好快,我一直射不中它。
可是它注定要死的了,我却没担心过。水我有得多,但它迟早会跑累。

过了良久,也不知浪费了多少水,我准准射一下,蟑螂翻了身,六脚朝天,动弹不得。
它不停地在挣扎着,可是明明就没有东西在拴着它。
我早已没有再射水,是它自己翻不了身。
它挣扎了好久好久,还是没有翻回来。
不是我不给机会,它翻得起,我会给它一条生路走。可是,是它自己不争气,救不了自己。




蟑螂的结果我也想不起了,我也没有放在心上。





只是多年以后看看自己,觉得自己很像当年翻不了身的蟑螂。






Wednesday, 23 July 2014

I thought many things will be sorted out when sem break comes but, no...
I have so many problems, but of course they're nothing compared to the war the lost plane the crashed plane but sigh I can't help but feel frustrated over these things...
I am so frustrated...

我以为只要我喜欢,我的一生可以只是我一个人的事,怎么现在我还要被身边的人烦得透不过气来。

Friday, 18 July 2014

secret

It was evening when my dad and both my sisters came home from Singapore/Johor. My sister passed me a long roll of mat,''KiuKiu asked me to pass it to you. He kept reminding me that I must pass this to you. And what for do you need this?''

Yes. A Disney picnic mat.

The moment I saw the mat I don't know what to feel at all. KiuKiu is uncle in Hakka, and is what I call my mom's older brother, and I only have one KiuKiu. He's around 60 years old, very skinny, grey/white haired, sloven man. He's not married and is single for a very long time.
Now, my KiuKiu is very different compared to my mom and my aunts. I would say he's kinda messed up in the past.always switch jobs, party, drinking..I don't know
Maybe I used to like him when I was young..really really young. He always buys my sisters and I candies, toys and everything from Langkawi(he used to work there) , when we go back hometown, he will bring us for roti canai and teh tarik, and I liked him for that. Then he stopped going back home(Johor, my hometown) or coming KL to visit us. He doesn't call back home either..he just disappeared like that for many many years till I became an adolescent. And I remember the first time he meets my brother was just a few years ago, my brother was 6 or 7. 
Another two or three years later, he finally decided to go home in Johor. It supposed to be a happy thing but the reason he went home other than being broke, is..he's infected with HIV. He is now a weak, useless old man.

Most of my aunts are not married and 3 of them are living in the same house in my hometown. Kinda fed up with him but still, he's a sibling. They took him in, until now. My mom and my youngest aunt, the only 2 sisters who have kids out of 7 daughters of my maternal grandparents, were unhappy and perhaps, furious because now going back our home in hometown is threatening to the kids. HIV can't spread through non-sexual physical contact but there's also no cure for it so its risky as hell. 
Since then going back hometown became an obligation for my parents, it became less frequent, and duration became much shorter. Everytime we go back, my parents will always remind us ''don't use the toilet downstairs(which my KiuKiu used)'', ''don't sit on the sofa KiuKiu sits'', ''don't touch KiuKiu's leftover food''. And gradually, my siblings and I might as well avoid everything that has to do with him. 


I don't know about my siblings(since for the past two years they aren't around everytime I go back) but I feel very sympathetic for him. He used to be a scumbag, its hard for me to picture it but according to my mom, he is. The least I can do is, greet him with a high pitched voice every time I go back, it  makes him happy maybe, to have someone greet him happily. He's already old, and he loves talking to us, a lot. I guess he knows his place, he never once touched us or go near us. He's unemployed. Who would want to employ someone who's infected with HIV anyway. For most of the time, all he does is watching TV and sleep, and eat. Thats all.

My brother used to like to spy on little crabs in Pantai Morib beach. So around two years ago KiuKiu bought my brother a camping torchlight. My brother genuinely loved it and it made KiuKiu so happy. Unfortunately, I took it along with me to national service last year and I broke it. I still remember how it dropped from my top cupboard one night and broke 1/3 of it. :( I still feel super guilty till this day.

I went back to my hometown a month ago because my oldest aunt was ill. & as usual KiuKiu kept on telling me all the little things, like how he got a kids picnic mat for a kid of family friend. I don't know what else to say besides saying ''Oh how nice of you!!'' , ''So nice the mat!'', ''So cute!''
He was really happy that I find it nice so he said he will get me one next time. 


and yes, he took it very seriously, and he remembered.
I don't even remember all the things he said to me for the past few years because to me, they just don't matter. If you ask me before today does he matter to me, I would say no. Because I thought, to him, I, and the rest of the family don't matter. But getting us things, might be his subtle way of saying that he cares. And yesterday, holding this roll of mat, I don't know what to feel. He was a little part of my childhood but wasn't there for most of my life. I don't know what to feel towards him, family love is clearly not what I feel, then what is it? I guess most of the feelings are made up of sympathy, but I think I'll just leave it that way.

It was a mat full of Disney princesses. He figured that I would like it. If I were younger I'll be super happy, but now I still am. :) Family was laughing at me because KiuKiu told my sisters I wanted it badly. Well, the mat is useless for me not that I use mat at home. I thought I can bring it to Cambodia for the kids. But now I've decided to keep it. I don't know what for but I think this is the least I can do as a niece.






I was very furious last night. I was so furious and upset, I wanted to release my anger so bad by doing something terrible, ruining things, hurting someone or what ever that can make me less angry. Trust me, I was so angry that I got dizzy. I sat on the couch trying so damn hard to calm myself down. It was half an hour later when I was still crazily angry, I decided to watch a movie. 


I watched a classic film by famous Hong Kong director Wong Kar Wai, In the Mood for Love(2001), 花样年华. Starring the then film stars Tony Leung & Maggie Cheung. The film started with a red background and white text, quoting something deep that I've forgotten. It was about Mr. Chow(Tony Leung) & his wife became neighbors of Mrs Chan(Maggie Cheung) and her husband. Not long later, Mr.Chow finds out that his wife is having an affair outside, with his neighbor, Mrs. Chan's husband. Mrs.Chan finds out almost the same time as Mr.Chow and they both met up to talk about it. With both their spouses not around, they spend most of their time together writing martial art stories. 

And then of course, they developed feelings for each other. Both of them refused to admit because they don't want to follow their spouses' footsteps or stoop to their level. Then when Mr.Chow is leaving to Singapore for good, he asked Mrs.Chan to join him, but it was too late when she wanted to join. 
Then they never see each other again. The film ended with Mr.Chan walking in empty Angkor Wat, then whispered to a hole on the wall.

''我问你,从前有些人,心里有了秘密,而且不想被人知道,知道他们会怎么做?他们会跑到山上找一棵树,在树上挖一个洞,然后把秘密全说进去,再用泥把洞封上。那秘密会留在树里,没有人知道。''
'' In the old days, if someone had a secret they didn't want to share...do you know what they did?They went up to a mountain, found a tree, carved a hole in it, and whispered the secret into the hole. Then they covered it with mud. And leave the secret there forever.''



Then it ended.

The film left me very gloomy. I've expected this, I know it is going to be a sad movie, I read the plot before I watch. But still...I still can't avoid being sad. I am glad that I've watched this classic film and before I can have any deeper thoughts about it, my mom stomped into my room and announced that another MH has crashed.

To be honest, when MH370 disappeared, I don't feel anything. I tried, but I can't feel any sorrow for the event. I can't bring myself to imagine if I were one of the passengers, I just don't feel anything. I guess because it just went missing like that, and JUST LIKE THAT. But when I got the news that MH17 crashed,I was extremely shocked because..its Malaysia Airlines again..and this time reliable sources announced that it crashed with no survivors, unlike MH370 who left the whole world hanging. I was really disheartened by what I see on Twitter & Facebook by the end of the night, and I can only describe my feeling with 心寒, which I don't know how to translate into English.

Unlike MH370, this time I really am very, very sad. I guess because this time there's pictures of the plane's debris, there's even corpses in some of the pictures. With pictures, this time it isn't that hard to imagine anymore. My heart aches, for real, to see fellow Malaysians have to go through this a second time in barely 4 months time. Is this coincidence? Cos I can't believe it. I never liked my country, but now we really are in deep shit, having so many bad things recently, topping international headlines again and again for the wrong reasons. Most of all, life is so fragile.Can't believe I am saying this but..death seems scary. I've never feared death, not once in my whole life, but it is death of people around me I fear. I would rather be the passenger on board than to be the remaining family members cos I don't think I can take it. 

I have so many things to say I've been thinking a lot a lot since morning. I feel very anxious right now I don't know why, is it coffee?

I am so curious about the truth behind the crash of MH17, I want to know the explanation and and..I don't know. Why is it that other airlines have been avoiding the route but not Malaysia Airlines, why did somebody say that they've warned them about this military conflict zone, and why did somebody say something the opposite? & how can they mistaken Malaysia Airlines as some military aircraft or Putin's plane? 
Big things like plane crashing, war, bombs & attacks, mass murder used to be so far from this tiny country, but now its happening.


I swear I have so many things to share, but I've forgotten all. I wish I could share my secrets just like how Mr.Chow did. But I would be sent to some mental hospital.




Thursday, 17 July 2014

I'm so exhausted and sleepy for no reason. I get tired very early at night and i feel the need to take naps in the day. OK I don't know if this causes harm and I supposed not, but problem is I am trying to study for an exam now.
I am not just saying normal tiredness or what shit I woke up at 10am today, ate breakfast and everything but I went back to sleep again at 11am. Woke up at 2pm STILL feeling extremely sleepy.

sigh im so frustrated because theres so many things I need to do and I am not accomplishing any at the moment. I am so tired I just want to sleep forever T.T


sigh. what kind of life i am living
Man I'm so screwed. So so screwed
They say, always sleep when you're feeling emotionally risky. Sleep it off and you'll wake up more sensible.
Then, 
Can I sleep now?