Thursday, 17 April 2014

I can't sleep.
i can't live this way anymore.

I need a way out.

I can't go on like this for a long period of time
Its so frustrating...Its like..............
I'm done. I am done with life that I don't know what to do now.

I go to Cambodia it was never fully for the kids. People won't understand how part of the reasons is for myself as well. I lacked something in life and I went to search for it. I found it yes but it didn't last. I am satisfied, and happy but..
im back to the hole.

How am I going to love the city I've lived in for the past 18 years of my life?
For all the years I had to wake up to the same scene I never liked. I've never realised how much I hated it until I left for Melbourne in December 2012. How am I supposed to explain to people that I hate living in the city?
And then people will start telling me it will be over soon, but its not true. How is this going to end? I still have my degree that I havent even started yet, and god knows I won't be doing my degreee in a freaking place out of city. How am I supposed to get out of a place I loathed so much?

I feel ugly. I am ugly.
I am so disgusted looking at my reflection in the mirror everyday. That damn girl inside with damaged hair, pale face that would need make up to make it more lively, pretty clothes that don't make her look pretty. Whereas in Cambodia she can look oh so beautiful wearing the simplest things and zero accessories....she can look oh so gorgeous with just a simple smile. At least thats what I think.

How am I going to live if I am not happy at where I am?
And you're just going to tell me, life goes on, live with it.
But why should I live with it?

I don't want my life to get fucked by something called media & society. There are so many things that don't have to work this way. Why should I live the way society wants me to?
Why should I go the way my parents want me to?
Why should I even follow people's opinion?

Its darn stupid but its my life and I live the way i want.

I'm back here..again.

I have so much to tell but I don't know where should I start. I came back home, only to find out more things I hate about life. Here I am showered with everything luxurious, but no love.
That was an adventure of self-searching, I was happy, but I came home with no resolution.

I have so much to share about my adventures. About how a man my grandfather's age treated me like his own grand daughter and loved me. About how the kids showered me with so much love. About how the local people liked it when I visited them. But truth is no one wants to know. Most of the things I heard after I came back are ''now that youre back, can you start your uni already'' , ''back to reality pls''..

I want to tell you about a few of the people i've met while volunteering in Siem Reap.
She's a a girl named Olivia from Sydney, 20 years old, graduated from highschool 2 years ago. She spent the whole of last year working for this trip that lasts for 2 years. She has been doing country hopping in Asia and last stop in England until she finishes her money. She has no interest in continuing her education.
''I mean what for to study if I don't feel like study anymore? I work as a cashier and I pay 60 dollar for my rent every month in my parents' house. Thats not much but my parents want me to be dependent and pay for my rent. My money definitely won't last until I go to England so I will probably find a job there, I would very much to work in a pub. Its fun!''

This is a girl I met in Kampong Thom.
Katie from California, 24 years old. Freshly graduated from university, Cambodia is her 3rd country and she has been traveling for a month and a half already. She's returning home only half a year later.
''I don't need a lot of money. I need experience more than money in life. I grew up on a farm and everything is very simple. Backpacking for 7 months isn't really hard...well. YOU NEED LESS THAN YOU THINK.''

You need less than you think.
i will not forget that line she just said.

Theres other people, especially Juan from Columbia. He's amazing. I will tell more about him next time.

But these people made an impact on me, I wasn't sure of my thinking before this but now I've confirmed. I didn't want to work for a living. I don't want to work just because when theres emergency I can pay with the money I've saved. I want to work for something that makes me happy because to be honest, life really is too fucking short for me to be unhappy.
What I say might be real immature and unpractical, so is all my life.

I don't want to rush to finish my education. I am in no rush in life I am not going to rush for anything like how my parents want me to. If I am going to graduate later than people that are in the same age as i then so be it because I don't really mind. I really liked the idea of earning a little, spend it on traveling, study, some part time, travel again. Little savings are more than enough, until I have a proper job that is.
I loved being alone, traveling alone in a foreign country I felt like I owned the world, I love it so much!
Cambodia is a start, but definitely not an end.

from today onwards, its all about me and the world

Monday, 14 April 2014

I came home 4 days ago.

Getting over the country lifestyle is harder than I thought. 
I'm so unhappy

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

I can be so damn grateful at one moment  then the opposite on another.
Sounds really stupid saying this but life goes on. 

The best is yet to come.

I'm tired. 
Just physically.

Sunday, 30 March 2014

When I first started planning about this trip I never thought about a lot of things. I haven't had any trips without my parents before(except for YE Australia but I have host family) and I've never traveled alone.
I've never expected my trip will be this way, but I think it's a really great one.
I didn't expect myself to travel from province to province, meeting people, and not just teaching. And today's my last night here in Siem Reap! I will come back two weeks later to go home but still... 

I'm going home soon!
But I'm not excited at all.


If I'm gonna marry a Cambodian guy, it's him.
Haha just kidding.
But I can't stop smiling everytime he catches the kids and rub their neck using his beard. 
So much love in his eyes. 

Friday, 28 March 2014

You know how much this destroys me yet you still do it,
You really are a bloody bastard

Wednesday, 26 March 2014

It's like I was meant not to be in the frame. I've tried hard enough, at least harder than any of the assholes who upset me so much, but at last I am not the winner.
I'm not the winner but why do I have this idea that I am always the winner?

I am just sad because this is close to perfect..if only..

And it's so easy for them to be perfect