Grateful

I am lying on bed with a soft pillow on my lap and laptop on the pillow. As I type this I am also listening to my all time favourite tunes.
It wasn't a very adventurous Christmas for me as I stayed home, I had a nice ,delicious Christmas lunch with the Challis family, I met grandmama Challis, I visited the church.
It was all so simple yet peaceful in a way I feel so serene. I've found that long lost solace in reality not dreams. I am very thankful for this moment after all the terrible months in 2012. I am just so happy these few days and I feel..good.
I was tidying my books a week ago I found a Chinese essay I scribbled on my book during 23rd February 2012.

I will roughly translate it okay.

''The weather is really warm recently. February is coming to an end. Thinking back of what had happened in these two months, my heart sank.

These two months were terrible. I've told myself to stay optimistic in 2012. I was determined to be optimistic and be happy simply because if I can't even handle my own emotions, how am I going to handle my studies?
Beginning of the year times were slightly tough but still I remained optimistic. I did not give up even if things got worse later. I clenched my fists, if I give up now I won't be able to achieve success.
Even if I can't go on anymore, I will still weep in dark just like other normal human being. Its hard to believe isn't it, since a Leo like me care about my dignity so much.
After weeping, I get back up again. I did the same thing over and over again and got through this one month and 23 days.
At times I was really depressed, sometimes I nearly cried infront of my family or friends. They have no idea that those simple words they said are sharp enough to hurt my feelings. However, I still play along with them and make fools out of myself  so I won't look too pathetic.
Why downgrade yourself like that when you know you can't take it?

I've been counting down the days to leave. I have about 280 days then I can finally leave! Although I can't leave the city, but leaving the school is good enough.
I can't wait anymore, days like this are so difficult to go on.


I wish to go back to the past, when I was still able to confide in my mom, when going to school is a happy thing to do, when I don't have that many of problems, when I still have many true friends, when I don't even have to trouble myself over future, when....
I've never been this distressed before. I feel helpless and I wanna escape.
I've had no choice till I actually prayed to God sincerely. I said to God, please lend me a helping hand to help me through this life. But there was no reply.

When I was young the book I loved most is a biography of Florence Nightingale, nicknamed ''White Angel'' by the world. I teared when I first read the book. I loved this book so much I took it everywhere with me. The book was my source of strength. Nightingale was born in a wealthy family, her father owned a lot of lands, houses and had a lot of people working for him. Her parents did lots of charity, always generous and kind to the poor, and made Nightingale into a kind hearted and lovely girl. She wanted to become a nurse when she's finally a grownup but was protested greatly by her parents because nurse was thought to be a filthy and low-paying job. Her parents' protest troubled her. One day, she was instructed by god. I was startled.. How did god instruct her? Did she hear god's voice?? Nightingale is a real person so I thought her stories are all real as well.
From then on, I always speak to god, and ask for instructions, because at times I really don't know how should I go on anymore. Many many years later when I read that book again, I realised there were many parts that are not true, they were all added by the author to make the story more interesting. I was very depressed.

Does god really exist in our world?
Sometimes I wish he does exist, so I can confide in him.
Sometimes I wish he doesn't exist. If he does, I will be mad because karma did not happen.''


The original Chinese entry :


最近天气真的很热很热。
二月快完了，回忆起两个月来发生的种种事物，我的心却冷了下去。

好不愉快的两个月。二零一二年，我告诉自己，不能再这么悲观了。我下定决心，一定要让自己开心过生活------如果就连自己的心情也不能搞好的话，怎能把功课及事物搞好？
开始的那几天，虽有一小挫折，可是我依然笑着去面对，即使后来事情变本加厉，我并没有放弃，我握紧拳头，如果这时候放弃，我并不会得到成功。
就算真的坚持不下去，就像其他的人一样，我也会偷偷躲在被单里哭。很难相信吧？这么爱面子的狮子座都会哭。
哭了以后，再爬起来。我也就这样坚持了一个月又二十三天。
有时候真的真的很难过，有时候差一点就要在家人或朋友面前哭了。他们并不知道，那么的机句话，足以深深地伤害了我的心。当然，爱面子的我依然嬉皮笑脸地跟他们一块儿玩，一块儿笑话自己。
 怎么这样贬低你自己呀？明知道自己受不住。

每天都在算日子，还有大概二八零天吧，我就可以离开。虽然不足以离开这一个让我非常伤心的地方，可是我已可以离开这所学校。那已经够了。
我实在等不及了呢。 这样的日子真的真的好难挨。

我真的好想，好想回到过去，当我还会把所有的烦恼告诉妈妈。当上学是一件非常快乐的事情。当我不需要为这么多时而烦。当我还有很多知心的朋友。当我根本不需要为前途而烦恼。当。。
从小到大，我从来没有这么的颓丧过。颓丧到我很无助。。想要一走了之。
无助到，不相信上苍的存在的我，竟然虔虔诚诚的祈祷。
我告诉上苍：’’请你助我一臂之力，帮帮我完成这一生。’’
上苍并没有回答我。

小时候最喜欢的一本书是一个讲述 ’’白衣天使’’ 佛罗伦丝●南丁格尔的故事。第一次看着本书后，我感动得流泪了。我紧紧抱着这本书不放，从此，这本书就成了我力量的泉源。故事是说南丁格尔生长在一个富裕的家庭，她的父亲拥有很多农场，很多房子，很多员工。她的父母常常做善事，让她从小就很有爱心。长大后，她想要当一位护士，可是招来了家人的反对，因为当时的护士是很卑微的。父母亲极力的反对让她很烦恼，终于有一天，她竟然得到了主的指示。
读到这里，我非常震惊。主怎么样给她指示？？她听到主的声音吗？？南丁格尔是真的存在的，所以我以为故事也完全是真的。
从此，我常常都在告诉上苍，给我指示，因为我实在走不下去了。
长大了以后，从读这一本书后，才发现一切都是作者为了让故事更精彩而添加下去的。我顿时很茫然，也很失望。

世上到底有没有上苍呢？
好希望有，那我可以向他倾诉我的烦恼。
有一点希望没有，若有的话，我会很生气，因为善有善报，恶有恶报的原理并没有发生。




Sometimes when I look back at how I struggled through the 11 months  of 2012 I felt relieved that I've finally gotten through. At that time freedom seemed so so so so far away...but its now here ! I am enjoying every bit of my freedom here in Melbourne.
Every morning I wake up at 9, I will be having two vegemite toast, a glass of milk. Sometimes I spend my morning talking to the family, or follow them to the street, sometimes I stay in my room listening to Kurt Nilsen. In Melbourne , I can finish up a 500 pages book in merely 30 hours time without any interruptions...
Everything here is peaceful. Behind the house is a big grassland...a hill. Sometimes there's many many sheeps, sometimes 2 cows.
I am so comfortable here sometimes I don't even miss Malaysia...that busy country with polluted air.

I guess if I get the chance in the future I will migrate to other country LOL I was never a patriot so don't expect much from me..

I had a terrible year at the 2nd half of 2011. I wished for a better year in 2012 just like anyone else. I remember in one of my post in 2011, I said :''If 2012 is even worse than 2011, I can tell you - that I rather not live.''
I must have looked real challenging cos I was challenged hard. Not only 2012 is tougher than 2011 but twice as hard. I hated everything so much. I hated school.
I especially miss going to school when I was 15 or 16, when all my favorite seniors were still in school, when school was so interesting for me.
I wanna tell you how hard life in 2012 for me was compared to other years but.....
I will just learn to forget the unpleasant times...instead, 2012 actually was filled with some happiness, this time I will be thankful for them.

In this year, I've met Kenny G in person for the first time, Phil & Wes from WongFu Productions , I've applied for Youth Exchange Program and I got it, I've achieved Top President award in my last year of being an Alpha leo, I was in The Hobbit premiere, I was in class 5 Cekap which I made a lot of new friends, new best friends...I went to USJ 12's prom and met up my bestest friend, on 12.12.12 I had a nice simple dinner with my other bestest friend.. even if there are so many hardtimes I still managed to find one or two people I trust, and even if I am not able to confide in them all my troubles, I still managed to share a few, and that definitely lessened my burden... most of all I learnt to be grateful for what I had.

2012 I am grateful for my family.

Eventhough this year I had a lot of fights with every member of my family. My relationships with them  were so terrible I had to hide myself in the room for almost all the time when I am at home. I had to avoid bumping into any of them in the house, besides my little brother of course.
Things were not so great back then but eventually it gets better. Well things were all much better just before I came to Australia, hopefully too, after I come home in January 2013.


2012 I am grateful for Teh Wei Chen.

She has been at the top spot in my heart ever since the day I met her in the first day of school in primary school back in 2002. After primary school graduate we often contact each other only during each other's birthdays, new years and chatting with each other was so rare.
Until end of 2011, we both have Twitter accounts and started talking to each other more on Twitter and occasionally texts. This July she visited my school's carnival day. It was the first time in many years we met up. We didn't get to talk to each other a lot though.
This December I attended her school's prom and unexpectedly we talked a lot as if we never parted at all ! There was no awkward moment and I felt like I've found my soulmate again.
If you ask who would I trust 100% , after both my sisters, I would say its her.



2012 I am grateful for Amanda Lim.

Just like Wei Chen, she held a special part in my heart all these years. Although we aren't as close as those days in 2008, we all grew up in our own ways, but I am glad we still find time for each other every once in awhile. Amanda and Wei Chen weren't exactly there when I needed but I still feel thankful because our friendships still are strong until this day, end of 2012. :)




2012 I am grateful for Lee Wei Xun.

I really don't know what would I do without him. Many of the times when I find it extremely hard to go through, when I was lost and when I was secretly weeping in my room I would text him. He isn't the best choice of person when it comes to comforting but I love talking to him. He's the only male friend I trust completely when it comes to secrets. I think sometimes I troubled him a little too much but what's best is he is sincere in being my best friend. He might not know this but he has been there for almost all my hard times, and without him I think I will just collapse before SPM.



2012 I am grateful for Chong Yit Lin.

Well this girl here knows me best. She knows all my weakness and even how I feel. When there were too much things I cannot confide to anyone because I was too mortified or embarrassed, I will not hesitate to tell her. Because I know she will understand me than despising me. My last year of highschool would be much more unbearable without her too.




2012 I am grateful for Eugenia Edwin Galan.

She's the one who motivates me and pulls me up again when I felt like giving up. She's like a mom to me, coaches me to study, checks on me once in awhile.. I am glad I have her in my last year of highschool too, if it wasn't her, I would've given up on myself long time ago.



2012 I am grateful for Charmaine and SynnJye.

We were much more closer during 1st half year of 2012, when we still get to meet each other during projects. And we would non-stop talking about each other's lives in school and problems. We could talk all night all day without running out of topics. 2nd half year we were all busy for SPM. I did manage to meet up with Charmaine for a day but SynnJye no because we were busy :(
But I am grateful for having them !



2012 I am grateful for Yeo Eu-Nise.

We would never had the chance to be best friends if we weren't arranged into the same class. I remember us becoming desk mate because we both had no close friends in class. Our friendship began to grow fast after our trip to Genting for Kenny G's concert with WeiXun. I couldn't express how thankful I am for both of them for doing me the favor - running all the way back to the hotel to fetch my tee shirt. A simple act but not many of my friends would do it for me. After that we began hanging out a lot because we live in the same area. She left me a lot of good memories in my last year of high school. A friend I would never want to lose, too.




2012 I am grateful for Jack Lee Hor Kit.

We would never be best friends if we weren't arranged into the same class and become best friends. When I was still very shy in the class and knew only less than half the class, he would all the time come sit with me and talk to me. I don't really know him back then but was touched by him trying to keep me company when I feel lost in class. Now we are best friends ! Well I don't know bout him but he is my best friend :) I love spending time with him along with Eunise, Nicholas and other classmates. :)



2012 I am grateful for 5 Cekap.

My school days are much more interesting than I thought, because of them ! :)
We came from many different classes and many different cliques and they are the people whom I thought I would never had the chance to make friends with, at all since our cliques are so different from each other's. But we did, and became best friends !


2012 I am grateful to have William Khoo.
I don't have a picture with him though. But he's always there for me when I needed someone to talk. He's always trying to cheer me up, and avoid all the topics I don't like to talk about. I actually felt much better after talking to him.




I am grateful to have these people ! I really am :)
Just when I thought I have no one, one by one they appeared in my life. And I am thankful because they are the ones that helped me through this year :) We might part in our own ways in 2013, but I hope they will know I'll always cherish the friendships between us.


Always.