Its 3.01am right now don't be too surprised that I am up at this hour during a weekday, oh yes you've guessed it correctly again - my sleeping problems are back.
I was just browsing through my favorite blogger, Sweat Lee's super ancient blog posts..super ancient as in 6 years ago at 2007. Her old blog posts are so amusing and funny ! Look at her now, nothing like the old her 6 years ago at the age of 19 when she's so bimbotic, lively, fun, energetic, funny, bold..all in a good way.
I am sure she reads back her old blog posts like how I do sometimes, does she feel old then? She was around 18 or 19 during 2007, which is close to my current age. I am sure at that time she never expects herself to be at where she is today. Can't help thinking about 6 years later, what will I be doing then?
6 years later will I turn around and look at myself the same way again? I hope not.
In college the other day I was stopped by 2 promoters of Freshkon(some contact lens company), they asked my friends and I to sign up for their icon search contest. I've shown no mercy and rejected at least 3 times with excuses like ''No I am too short and fat to be your icon.'' , ''Actually I am quite busy right now.'' , ''I am too ugly.''
The promoters then pled again and again, this time I feel bad for them. I am surprised that I wasn't flattered being asked at all this time. Partly because this time I know so well that its part of their job to get girls to sign up no matter ugly or pretty.
Let the same thing happen to me again 2 or 3 years ago I would've snatched the pens and registration forms from the promoters and sign up confidently, go home and dream about becoming a celebrity, then tell my family about how beautiful their daughter or sister is because she got asked to sign up for an icon search contest. Shameless..but thats me.
But I aged , didn't I? I've learned to reject strangers - pen sellers, toto sellers, beggars, promoters, salesmen and women etc etc.... which is something I couldn't do AT ALL few years back.
I aged and I started to realise more things about myself now. I do know where I stand in society and how this society works. I know how small the possibilities are stubby people with an acne-ful face to become a celebrity, model, popular chick in college and lets just be frank, less attractive people need to put in a little more effort to gain..anything.
I didn't age in a day I didn't learn how the society works in a day. It takes a few years for me to grow but yes I did. Maybe in a few years time when I look back at this blog post along with the others I still think I am plain immature and childish no matter how sensible I think I am now. There's not a day goes by I don't feel embarrassed, of the younger me. But heres the thing, I am positive that I've grown up, whether you agree or not, I've grown and am a better person now. At least that is what I think though I still have no achievement till this date.
I was asked to fill up the forms and the last section I was required to fill in the blanks ''I would love to be Freshkon's icon 2014 because I_____________________''
I don't know what to write because I have nothing outstanding. The promoters were quite nice encouraging me to write a few good points of myself, suggesting : pretty, energetic, attractive, confident etc.
Of course I wouldn't write such good points compliment myself LOL. I hesitated for a while and wrote ''young and lively''. Something everyone in my age has but I am still proud of it.
Being young is a vital asset of mine. I am more than grateful to be young because I simply can't imagine me being...not young. Its like one of my strength I can't lose it.
I've been disciplining myself for the past 2 weeks and also the coming month. I've been playful and useless all my life, I lacked self-discipline and that's the cause of all the things I've failed in life. I used to try so hard banning myself from social networks, reading novels and doing all those stuffs that are considered procrastinating but I end up always giving in to the temptations.
But this time I think I was quite dejected, most of all I kinda lost hope in myself. It is the dejection that made me guilty, guilty for letting myself down. I know it makes no sense letting myself down cos its not like I can't control myself before this, and not that I don't know I am going to regret for not working hard but ...
Anyway, I was so dejected to the point that I've removed ALL my social networks(including Whatsapp, but its ok I hate Whatsapp). Thought that I would be itching like mad to check my news feed, stalking people's latest tweets and pictures but no, I find it so much easier to do it this time. Which is rare cos I'm an internet addict.
My resistance has become so strong I actually declined at least 5 event invitations these 2 weeks and missed out one of the events even I expected myself to go. And just one event I've missed people made it such a big deal of my absence, I sounded important but truth is, I am just that kind of lifeless person who never fails to turn up at events, which I am very ashamed of.
I am amazed at myself being able to sit in the corner of college from 7am to 6pm with no breaks in between(only toilet breaks), I even skipped lunch this shows the vast change in myself!(actually no its just that I've had no one to eat lunch with and I don't want to eat lunch alone like a loner)
The purpose of writing this isn't because I wanna show how much I've grown(besides feeling emotional at 3am), I just hope I can keep growing, mentally(physically also if can,but must be nothing but growing vertically).
Shall just go back to sleep.