Sunday, 16 February 2014

live

I cannot describe how terrible i feel everyday.


How horrible it is that i feel like crying all the time.


I feel EXTREMELY horrible because I've lost the way of life completely, comepletely and completely. I've LOST the purpose of living I don't know what to do now. People don't understand, if I don't go to Cambodia, then I would have ZERO interest in everything else in this world. I have countless people who told me to change my mind because they think I am selfish to put myself above my parents, chasing my own dreams and not care about how worried they will be. Some say I am simply too naive & unpractical. Some say I am not qualified to do this because the fact I am just a pre-u graduate & too young.

They're trying equally hard as my parents to change my mind and that is bloody frustrating because not only they don't understand WHY I've decided to go, they certainly do not understand the fact that if my parents and my two sisters can't change my mind, who do they think they are that they can change my mind??
I feel very demotivated and discouraged everytime I have to reply these people telling them I know I am selfish but I can only give them(people who are concerned of me) my word to take good care of myself. Truth is, I don't care. I've lost my way in life completely and that makes me very very desperate to do something I would enjoy. If that means I have to take a terrible risk, so be it.

I don't know how should I express in words how depressed I feel these days. I have many good friends, people I've known very very well, and am blessed because they are really bunch of good friends. As much as I would love to open up to them, I couldn't make myself to do so because I simply do not know how should I start by telling them I am fed up with life. I just thought that they wouldn't understand.
How exactly should I start by telling them how suffocating I feel living here, how am I supposed to tell them I am unhappy here and its just not a short-term thing. Everyone has their own hard times and I think this is mine cos I find it a challenge to live through everyday.
I am not inspired and feeling very demotivated living. 

I TRIED. I tried telling my best friend saying :''I don't feel happy living.''
I've received an instant reply :''You need a boyfriend.''

Is having a partner an answer to my misery? But I don't know how to LOVE.

I don't know how is it like to LOVE someone romantically because the media is driving me crazy.
I am NOTHING like what a guy these days would want. 
I have boy who took me out for movie and showed an immediate loss in interest when he realised how lost I am in the mainstream world, I am just not cool enough.
I have boy who is so desperate he is willing to give everything just to have a girl, and not because he truly likes me.
I have boy who went after me and was willing to come to my workplace everyday and when he realised I wanted him to 'go slow' and not to rush things he gave up on me completely and marking an end to his chase by brozone-ing me. This one I was mad pissed, who am I to you that when you can decide to go after me and when you don't feel like it anymore you can just bro me like that??

Your spensive cars, exquisite dinners, flirtatious texts can't buy my heart. I am not trying to be different from other girls nor trying to display myself as a very noble person, but I can still afford my own expenses right at this moment and I can still afford to find someone I truly love to date. I don't need your money and when I am left nothing I do not want your money either. I will not betray myself for money & materials, AT LEAST NOT NOW, not at this age.
Am I not worth anyone's sincerity? It pisses me off so bad how insincere people nowadays are. I find it tooo hard to be in love.



I just find everything so hopelessly hopeless right now. I don't like this time people place.
I don't like to live.



4 comments:

Deric Chan said...

Bon Jovi's song "Welcome to Where Ever You Are" has a line saying "Just listen to yourself, not what other people say".

Yeah sure its not easy when hundreds of people are jamming discouragement into your ears but as long as you hold firm to what you believe in and what you love to do then sod the rest of them. You're only reacting like this because of all the negativity people are aiming at you (I think.), so just brush them aside and focus on your Cambodia mission.

I supports you. ^^

Anonymous said...

Live for hopes of tomorrow. I truly believe that you'll find your way out someday. When I'm depressed I always look forward to the day when I'll look back at my depressed day and think: how silly was I to think that way. And eventually, I got over my depression. I don't even know if it was a depression actually. Anyway, don't lose hope of love. You just haven't met someone who love you for who you are. I am a girl. I don't think my bf was being sincere at the start of our relationship, he just wanted me for he has been lonely for long. But things eventually got better as time went on, he changed and now we're good together. We're nothing like those mainstream couples you see out there. So, my point is..... your future will surely be good if you still have hopes :) I really can't contain what I want to say to you in this small little box but I hope you know that there's still someone who truly hopes that you'll escape from the darkness you're now in. Endure it and you shall be one great person. Good luck for everything :)

YeePei said...

Deric- Thats what I am doing. And its so tough holding on T.T sigh.
thanks deric, so much :)

YeePei said...

Anonymous- You are right, I have to be tougher to endure but sometimes its just hard :( aha, I am glad to hear you both are good :) I just have to have some faith to continue enduring all these huh? :) thank you. :)